


Saudade

by Moonchild1127



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Ben is only in flashbacks, Enemies to Roommates, F/M, Twins, bring on the tropes, roommates to mutual pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonchild1127/pseuds/Moonchild1127
Summary: After the passing of his twin brother Ben, Kylo Ren is left with the task of fulfilling his final wishes. As Kylo steps back into the life he left behind, he is faced with the consequences of his own selfish choices. Is it too late to atone? Can he put back the shattered pieces of his past? His brother may be gone, but he is the only one still trying to save Kylo Ren from himself.





	1. Lacuna

Kylo Ren stared at the door handle of apartment 213, watching the key tremble slightly as he held it an inch from its slot. Two years, and now a lifetime without his brother. _He's really gone,_ he tries to tell himself, but the words don't match the image in his mind of Ben, full of life and warmth. The letter he received one week ago is folded neatly in his pocket, detailing his final wishes and demands. He'd explained that his apartment was only to be emptied by Kylo, who of course understood why. They'd shared a womb even before they'd shared a bedroom, so kylo knew more about Ben than anyone on this planet. He'd understand what was important, what was garbage, and what was for him. Not to mention what to hide from mom and dad.

The letter had also contained a surprising detail, that Ben had picked up a stray cat six months ago. He warned Kylo that she would be quite hostile at first, prone to biting and putting on a tough front, and while she was not feigning her strength, she was actually the most loving, warm hearted wild creature he'd ever met. He doubted the cat would be staying long, but maybe his mom would take her in. Kylo didn't do pets, especially the hard to deal with kind. Don't get him wrong, he had no problem with animals, the whole _affection_ and caring about anyone aside from himself was where he struggled.

Finally, the key made its way into its designated home, turning at glacial speed. The door opened silently.

Cozy, that was the word that nearly assaulted Kylo's senses upon entrance. The smell, the decor, the entire atmosphere reeked of Ben. It was at least ten degrees warmer in here than it had been in the hallway, so he stripped off his jacket and threw his helmet along with it onto the small armchair closest to him. Damn, who the hell keeps the heat on this high even if it is December?

He took silent, gentle steps toward the kitchen, as if he may shatter the illusion that this place wasn't deserted. His long fingers drifted over the surfaces, a hollow feeling in his chest when he spotted the mug he'd gifted Ben a few years back displayed proudly on the counter. It was just a souvenir gift from the train station, he'd honestly forgotten to get him something and grabbed it before arriving at their mother's. He hadn't even wrapped it, but Ben had still treated it like the freaking holy grail or something. He smirked sadly to himself, trying to stop reminiscing for five minutes and remember why he was here. The sooner he got this place emptied, the better.

There was a surprising lack of cat, and all feline associated items, so far. He spotted the bedroom, he assumed at least, and wondered if perhaps she was kept in there? He felt sick, hoping she hadn't been starving for a week. Surely Ben had some temporary care in place in the event Kylo hadn't shown. It wouldn't have surprised anybody.

He opened the door, preparing for a slew of angry meows or even an aerial assault, but was met with only the sound of soft, even breathing. What the fuck? He dared to step closer in, and that was when he finally noticed the large lump in the middle of the bed. Was this a house pet or some kind of jungle predator?! His fingers trembled slightly as he reached forward, slowly peeling back the thin sheet.

A girl, very human, not even slightly a cat, aside from the position she was in. Curled up in a ball, hair a wild tangle of brown, cheeks flush (no doubt from the stifling heat) and pink mouth open slightly in a completely unguarded state of deep sleep. Really fucking funny Ben. _She reminds me of you,_ he'd even written. _She's pretty, is that why?_ Kylo silently asked his brother. She looked young, maybe not even in her twenties. Her skin was tan and out of place in a city like Boston this time of year. Freckles danced across her cheeks, reminding him of the constellations he and Ben spent summer nights admiring through their telescope. Why had Ben lied? Probably because he knew it was the only way Kylo would come.

He dared to move slightly closer, and that had been a mistake. The floor below him groaned, and she stirred before sitting up so fast he thought she'd topple from the bed. Her eyes locked onto his, and the panic faded quickly to relief. Brown, no, hazel?

"Oh, it's just you." She stared at him, and he stared back, unable to process what was happening. English accent, huh? He put that in the 'not a cat' folder in his mind before focusing his full attention back on her. Did she know he was coming? Still, it was five in the morning, and she was wearing nothing aside from an oversized Citgo t-shirt and a pair of shorts that could also be underwear and oops she noticed his gaze traveling he's in trouble now. He opened his mouth to explain himself, but she was slowly inching closer.

"What are you.." She nearly whispered, before rising to kneel before him in the bed. He drew closer, not even of his own accord but drawn by her apparent gravity. She stood now, so their faces were nearly even, her breath ghosting across his skin.

"Ben?" She inquired, and his breathing stopped. This wasn't good, not at all. Suddenly he wondered if she knew Ben was even..gone, or not. She had not seemed surprised to see him after all. He had no time to object before she reached out and placed a warm hand to his cheek, her finger tips calloused but soothing. He couldn't even resist as he leaned into her touch. Her look of quiet contemplation quickly turned to outright panic, and she dove backwards, tumbling directly off of the other side of the bed, flailing in a mess of sheets and legs and curses, then scrambling to her feet.

"What the actual fuck?!" She cried, hands in her hair.

"That's it, I've finally cracked. One week was all it took Rey, and you've gone completely off you rocker."

She was spiraling, and all Kylo could do was watch, adding notes to his folder now labeled 'Rey'.

"Hey kid, can you calm down for a fucking second?”

She stopped rambling long enough to give Kylo a heated glare.

"I will expl- "you're not him." She interjected, and Kylo sighed in relief.

"But how did you..?" Her eyes roamed to the picture beside her bed of two boys, arms around each other's shoulders, one with a mess of long dark curls and one with a baseball cap, toothy grins on their almost identical faces.

"Kylo?" She supplied, and he nodded. Her defenses were up, the walls slamming into place so quickly he felt it physically even from across the room. Spite replaced confusion, and now he saw fully why Ben had called her wild. Feral, that was a better word.

_"Get out."_ She snarled, pointing to the door. He knew by her face that she was far from joking, her eyes were practically ablaze and the room seemed to rise in temperature even further. Oh, this was going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The titles give little hints about the chapter, some are obvious but others are a little more vague :)


	2. Odium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a lot to say.

Ren raised his hands in front of him in surrender, hoping to convince her he meant no harm.

"I'm only here because of Ben, you can read this if you don't believe me."

He reached to grab the letter in his pocket, not missing the way she flinched at his sudden movement. He extended the hand holding the letter like an olive branch, and she hesitated slightly before snatching it from his hands. She had actively avoided skin contact. Just who was this girl?

As she read over the letter, eyebrows furrowed and eyes scanning rapidly over each word, he took a moment to study her. She seemed frail, like a taught line about to snap. She was so thin he could count the bones in the back of her hand. She had circles under her eyes that rivaled a raccoon, and as his gaze drifted lower he could make out the faded marks of bruises all along her legs, as well as scars that varied in age.

"Fine."

His attention was on her again, hoping she hadn't noticed his critical gaze. She looked immensely put out at the idea of him being there, but it seemed Ben's words had been enough to change her decision to kick him to the curb.

"Fine?" He pressed.

"_Fine_, you can do what you need. Then you need to leave. I'll help you."

Every word had been forced out, as if she wasn't in control of what she was saying and had fought to let them out.

"If anyone has a say in who stays and who goes it's me, considering the fact that this apartment is now in my name."

He watched as she lost all trust, all sense of safety. As she turned within herself and seemed to crumble. Then, when he was sure she was going to break, her face became void of emotion. Her blazing eyes extinguished. He shuddered, sickened by what his words had done. She squared her shoulders, empty eyes rising to meet his.

"I need to pack. It won't take more than two minutes. Please give me a moment alone, I promise I will take only what's mine."

Ren's guilt at his calloused words surprised him, given the fact that he'd known this girl all of ten minutes. He had to fix this, and fast. Ben had wanted her here, and that's all that mattered right now.

"I never said you had to leave. I was just saying I wasn't going anywhere either. I have no intention of staying, as soon as it's empty I'm gone."

"No surprise there." Her tone was sardonic, but at least she didn't sound like the living dead any longer.

"Do you have a problem?" He challenged.

"With you, or just in general?" She spit back, her previous disdain now reinstated.

He scoffed, rolling her eyes at how quickly she'd bounced back. Kylo was fairly sure he had whiplash.

"How could you have a problem with me? You don't even know me."

Ren was startled by the sharp, cruel laugh that tore from her throat. She snatched a photo from the bookshelf beside her, holding it up so he could see what it was of.

"I don't know you? I know you better than you do. I know exactly who you are, and I hate that. I hate that someone like you even exists. You make me _sick_. Do you know why? _This_ is why." She shook the picture before pulling it away and clutching it closely to her, almost shielding the family inside it from him.

"I don't..?" He started, but stopped when he saw her eyes were brimming with tears.

"You had _everything_. You had a family, a home, people who would pull the moon from the sky and give it to you if that's what you wanted. You had it all and you threw it away like garbage. Do you know what I- do you know what some people would give to have that life? And what did you give it up for? You can say what you like, but I know the truth. You're a coward. You were fucking _scared_, Kylo. You were different, and instead of giving people the chance to understand you, you blamed them and you ran away. You didn't want to be loved, because you didn't want to be stuck. You thought love was a trap, like a fucking cage and you were a bird so you needed to fly or some other bullshit right? You're better than everyone, too good for this town and too good for your fucking small-town-simple-life family. I know you, and I _hate_ you."

Kylo was reeling from the onslaught, partly infuriated at her audacity but mostly at her accuracy. How would she know? How could someone who had never met him even begin to understand how he felt? Like it was so simple, he was so easy to break down and pick apart that even a stranger could figure him out.

"Did Ben tell you that?" It was the only logical explanation, right?

"Ben?! Did Ben say something bad about his precious brother? That's a good one. Do you know what Ben told me about you? He said you were smart, a genius. He said you were funny, how you'd made him pee his pants from laughter on more occasions than he'd like to admit. How you were so kind, how you'd always been there for him when he needed you. He said you took care of him, that you weren't just his brother but his best friend. I believed him, at first. I loved every story he told me of his memories of you. Hell, I wished I'd grown up with a brother like you, that I could be friends with you one day. But then I paid more attention, and I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the way he'd look at your picture, how he'd get his hopes up every time the phone rang. I watched him slowly fall apart, all the while waiting for you to be there before it was too late. I knew everything he said was a lie. How can a genius forget about a person who loved them with their everything? How can a kind person abandon their best friend? Took care of him? Really? You were there to hold his hand while he cried out in pain even in his sleep? You fed him when he couldn't lift a spoon? Wiped the blood from his mouth when he couldn't even hold down water so that's all that came up? There is one thing he told me that was true. You're hilarious Kylo, like a sick joke."

He was shaking now, all traces of anger gone. He was disgusted with himself. He should have been the one.. it shouldn't have been Ben who..

"If I had.. if I'd known that.." he tried to speak but his head was spinning,he felt like he might be sick.

"If you'd known? What, that he was dying?! You're kidding right? That's what it would take to get you to show up? Someone just had to be DYING? Don't you think he knew that? Do you know when he found out? When was the first Christmas you didn't show up? Last year? No, two years ago. That's what he told me. He was going to tell you, but you weren't there. So he waited, to tell you in person. But you never came. So he said he'd tell you on the phone, but you never called. So he said it was better this way, he didn't want you to have to leave the life you worked sooo hard for. Must be quite the life if Ben would rather die than drag you away from it. Do you know how much he missed you? Do you even have any idea? Ben, he.. he.._Ben_.."

Tears were pouring from her eyes in a steady stream, but now they shut as she began to drop. Kylo didn't even react as she fell half on the floor, half on the bed. Her body had just crumbled in on itself. Kylo reaches forward, shaking hand barely grazing her forehead before it was enveloped in the intense heat of her skin. She was burning up, he now realized. The flush of her cheeks wasn't just from being so upset, she was definitely sick.

As if on autopilot, he rose from his crouch beside her, lifted her in his arms into the bed, placed a light sheet over her slack form, and turned out the light. As he searched the cabinet in the bathroom for some medicine, he made the unfortunate mistake of glancing in the mirror on the back of the door. Ben, his mind supplied, and he finally broke. His back collided with the bathroom door before he slid down and dropped his head into his hands, sobs wracking through him like punches to his stomach. It was agony, and he deserved it.


	3. Solivagant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes looking for car parts and winds up being in the right place at the right time. Rey’s POV, six months ago.

_ Six months Before _

“Let go of me!” Rey cried, her voice cracking as panic began to set in.

“You’re in no place to be saying no, or how about I just call the cops on your ass?” The man’s eyes were greedy, taking their time roaming over Rey’s hunched form. She shuddered, feeling bile rise in the back of her throat and the sting of tears in her eyes.

“I didn’t do anything wrong! If it’s in a junk yard it’s just trash anyway!” 

Maybe the cops would be a better option, anything aside from what this pig was planning. 

“This trash was important enough for your sneak in here, now wasn’t it? So how do you plan to pay for what you took? I don’t see anywhere for you to keep a wallet, you little-“

“Excuse me, sir, but it doesn’t appear that she is enjoying your display of virility.” 

Both Rey and the man froze in their struggle, neither expecting another person to be within miles at a time like this.

“Vir-gin-what? Who the fuck are you?” 

The man’s grip loosened slightly, clearly unable to use his three brain cells for more than one function at a time.

“Oh, my bad! I’m Ben, I called yesterday about the piece for a 59 Impala?” 

At the prospect of scamming a customer, the man released Rey and straightened up, smirking in an attempt to look at least partly human. Rey silently took a step back, getting ready to bolt when the moment presented itself.

“Of course! Right over here, these are all the Chevy parts we’ve got right now. You should be able to find what you’re looking for.” 

Rey watched as the man, Ben, was it? Stepped toward a pile of rusted metal and wires. He was handsome, she realized, as he entered the glow coming from a lone spotlight. Tall, even by her standards, broad shoulders, trimmed hair. Well dressed, definitely someone who could afford refurbished parts. He seemed out of place in this wasteland.

“Here we are! I’m glad you still have it. How much d’ya want for it?”

The innocence in his tone made Rey hesitate, feeling almost protective of the man despite the obvious difference in their age and stature.

“Well that’s an original, barely even used. It’s been in a box in the office for years, so it’s worth at least three hundred. I’ll give you a deal, how about two fifty?” 

The mans words were laced with obvious greed, but Ben seemed oblivious to his tricks. Rey knew full well that pile had been untouched for about six months, because that’s how long she’d been sneaking in to swipe parts. 

“That’s way too much.”

Rey heard the words but it took her a moment to realize they’d come from her mouth. 

_That’s perfect Rey, you were trying to make your getaway but you just couldn’t help yourself, huh?_

She mentally scolded her big mouth, before squaring her shoulders in an attempt to ward off both men’s stares. One was full of malice, the other curiosity. 

“Now, look here you b-“ 

“It’s an after market part. You could also use a newer piece, they’re interchangeable. Those will run you fifty dollars, straight from the factory.” 

She folded her hands to stop them from trembling, eyes unwavering from Ben’s. 

“Man, she’s just a street rat. She’s probably hoping you’ll take a liking to her and use the money you save to have yourself-“ 

Ben turned on him so quickly Rey actually gulped at the change in his entire presence. He seemed a foot taller, his pleasant disposition completely replaced with a look that would leave any sensible person thoroughly frightened.

“That’s enough. Take your money, we’re done here.” Ben slammed two hundred-dollar bills on the table in front of the man, who now seemed as if he may need to change his underwear, before turning to Rey.

“You staying here?”

Rey shook her head, and he waved his arm in the direction of his truck.

“Hey, I wasn’t done with her.. she..” 

Ben leveled him with a glare, and the man physically cowered.

“Shall we?” He offered, opening his door. Rey hesitated for a moment, glancing back and forth between the two men before deciding she was better off with him than Mr. Greasy and climbing up into the passenger seat. Ben waved at the man as he peeled out of the lot, leaving a cloud of dust behind them. 

“So, you got a name kid?” He gave her a half-smile that brought out the soft lines in his face. Handsome, she thought to herself again. Danger, she thought secondly, and her guard was up. 

“You can let me out here. Thanks.” 

He looked taken aback by her curt tone, but his smile stayed in place. 

“That’s a hell of a name, your parents must have been hippies. Is Thanks Italian?”

Rey didn’t mean to, but before she could stop herself she burst out into a fit of poorly contained laughter. It must have been a mix of relief, surprise, and exhaustion. 

“It’s.. it’s Rey. That’s my name.” 

He nodded, seeming to think before he spoke again.

“I like that. Rey. R-A-Y?” 

“R-E-Y. You were close. It doesn’t matter since it’s said the same anyway.”

“I’m B-E-N, I guess you could throw in an extra N or an H somewhere but I still like people knowing how to spell it. It’s your name, so when someone sees the name Rey, R-E-Y, they will think of you, and that’s special, right?” 

She thought about it for a moment, and decided she agreed. 

Before Rey knew it, she was being woken up by warm sunlight trickling through her window. No, not her window, the window of Ben’s truck. Where was he, anyway? And why was she still with this complete stranger? She didn’t even know where they were? What had she been-

“Rey! Look, they spelled it right, I didn’t even have to tell ‘em!” A cup of coffee was thrust in front of her, the letters in her name encompassed in a large hand. She reached out, taking it hesitantly. 

“Careful, it’s so hot. Look, I already burnt my tongue.” He stuck out the tip of his tongue, as if she’d be able to see where his burn was. She nodded, and he smiled at her validation.  _What a child_,  she laughed to herself. 

“So, where to? I forgot to ask where you lived before you fell asleep, so I just drove to my place. I hope you’re not too far from here, but no worries if you are! This baby needs some miles under her hood anyway.” 

He patted his steering wheel affectionately before looking back at Rey for her answer, but her mind was elsewhere. How did she tell him? There was nowhere she could go, and she wasn’t wasting this chance at freedom from her so called Step-Father. 

“Rey?”

She hesitated, her heart pounding in her ears. She couldn’t tell him. There was no way, she’d known him all of three hours! And she couldn’t trust him, or anyone, but especially someone who seemed kind. They were the worst. No, she couldn’t.. she made the mistake of glancing up, and met his eyes. Warm, so warm. And full of something, not quite adoration but perhaps misplaced admiration. There was nothing hidden in his face, he was as open a book as anyone could be. But aside from all of that, there was something Rey saw that struck a chord within her, something she knew all too well. He was lonely. 

“I don’t.. I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m alone.” 

Ben’s smile dropped, and Rey braced for the look of pity she loathed, but it never came. Instead, his eyes spoke what his voice didn’t. They said  _“that’s okay, so am I.”_


	4. Trouvaille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben have a series of awkward moments, and Ben tries to fix things. It doesn’t go as well as he’d have hoped.

_6 months before  _

“It’s not much, but there’s a second bedroom. Make yourself at home kid.” 

Ben reached out, tugging playfully on one of Rey’s buns. 

“I’m not a kid! Legally, we’re the same.”Rey grumbled, turning her face to hide the dust of pink on her cheeks.

“Sorry, bad habit. It’s my dad, he calls everyone that. Even my mom, so don’t take it to heart.” 

That very heart in question crash landed into her rib cage at the fact that he had just said he was calling her what his dad called his wife.

She studied him as he moved around the apartment, picking up discarded clothes and a few take out containers. His features were so different but somehow they worked. She caught herself preoccupied by how attractive she found him for the tenth time since meeting him.  _Get it together Rey. He’s not the first good looking guy you’ve met._ She knew that, but there was just something about him that drew her in. 

“That’s the bathroom, this is the kitchen..uh.. obviously. There’s my room, the guest room, and the living room. Pretty basic. Any questions?” 

She had plenty, but the thought of a hot shower was at the forefront of her mind. Showering. That meant being naked, alone, in an apartment with someone who once again, was a complete stranger. Could she really trust him? Was this going too far? Every time she questioned it, waited for that familiar instinct to kick in to  _run_,  it just didn’t. 

“Can I uh, can I take a shower?” 

She nearly whispered, and Ben stopped in the middle of explaining how the tv remote worked, now realizing she hadn’t been listening.

“Oh, yeah, uh..sure! Yeah, of course you can. Do you..do you have any other clothes?” Now he had that look of pity, but at this point Rey didn’t care. She shook her head, and he held up two fingers to her.

“Okay, no worries. Give me two seconds,okay?” 

With that he disappeared into the room he’d said was his, and returned with several pieces of clothing. 

“These might be kind of big, but they’re from when I was younger so they’ll fit better than anything new.” 

Rey took the clothes, holding them tightly to her. When she was safely hidden behind the bathroom door, she tentatively smelled the T-shirt in her hands. 

_Oh my gosh, this was too much. _

Rey hoped it was a fabric softener, or maybe cologne. Really just anything other than the fact that a person could actually smell this  _good_. 

Rey knew she’d taken an excessive amount of time, but the hot water seemed like it never ran out, and she had layers of dirt to scrub off. She stood in front of the mirror, looking at the girl she’d forgotten was under all that dust. She turned, looking for her towel. Towel.. she’d been so excited she had forgotten to even grab one. She could air dry, or use the blow dryer, but it was getting late and she was desperate to just be in a warm bed already. 

“Ben.. uh, can you-“ 

she was cut off by the sound of Ben on the other side of the door.

“Rey you forgot to grab a towel, I’ll just leave one on the sink for-“

“Wait no! Ben -“ 

The door opened before Rey could warn him, and in his surprise at a fully nude Rey attempting to cover herself, Ben dropped her towel. He then stepped forward to shut the door, only to slip on the towel, falling inside and bringing them both down, along with the shower curtain and rod. 

Rey screamed, but was interrupted by the wind being knocked out of her from Ben’s crushing weight. Panic set in, and she couldn’t get air.  This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be, what was she thinking.. this was..

“Rey! Rey!” Ben had her chin in his hand, and was staring at her in concern.

“Take a breath! Please! I’ll close my eyes but I need you to move so I can get my arm and then you can slap me or whatever you need to do. I’m closing them now okay?” 

True to his word, Ben closed his eyes so tightly they scrunched in the corners. In any other moment Rey would have found it endearing. Slowly, she lifted herself, twisting awkwardly and allowing him to slide free of her. 

He stood, and with his eyes still closed, reached down and helped her to her feet. She retrieved the towel from the floor, wrapping it tightly around her. 

“Rey.. I.. uh..”

She shook her head, and took a seat on the edge of the bathtub.

“Can I get dressed please? Alone?”

Her exhaustion was really taking a hold of her now, and she was worried she might honestly fall asleep sitting up if she didn’t get into bed soon. 

“Sure, no problem. Can I just, can I say something?” He was outside of the door now, his hand the only visible thing as it rested on the edge of the frame. 

“Go ahead.”

She breathed.

“I didn’t.. I don’t.. it’s just.. even if I saw something, which I didn’t! But even if I did.. I wouldn’t.. um.. it wouldn’t.. change anything.. cause..well..I don’t see you like that.. in that way.. not that you’re not.. like that? It’s just.. I can’t really.. okay this is going badly, right?”

Rey sighed, trying to recover from the comment about not seeing her in that way, and interpret the rest of whatever it was he was saying.

“It’s not going well.” She laughed.

“Okay, get dressed, and meet me in the kitchen?”

She hummed in agreement, and slipped into the change of clothes before wrapping her hair up in the towel. She felt some of the heat slowly draining from her crimson face, and as her breathing evened out she felt safe enough to venture into the kitchen. 

Ben stood with his back to her, stirring a cup of what smelled a lot like chocolate. 

“Hot cocoa?” He offered one of the mugs to her. 

She nodded, afraid her voice would convey her nervousness. Was this it? The moment she’d been expecting all along, where she’d be let down yet again? Her hands trembled slightly as she lifted the mug to her lips. 

“How about tomorrow we go and get you some clothes that will actually fit you?” 

Ben raised his eyebrows, gesturing with his mug at her outfit, which was clearly hanging off of her even when she’d tied the drawstring on the pants as tight as possible. 

“I don’t want you to spend money on me, honestly. As soon as I get a job I’ll be out of your hair. If you can just give me somewhere to sleep I promise you won’t even know I’m here.”

She sounded scared, she knew. But she needed him to know she wasn’t going to be a burden, that giving her a chance hadn’t been a mistake. 

“Well, I was thinking I could pay you, if you could do something for me?” 

He stepped closer, and Rey’s heart leapt into her throat. It couldn’t be, he had just said that he didn’t..? Why?  What had changed? 

Rey was panicking, air becoming thick and grainy, scraping her throat at she sucked in her breath. Ben reached out, his hand grazing her shoulder in barely a touch.

“When I met you this morning and it felt like fate, you know? To be honest, I didn’t just bring you here because I’m a good person. There’s something I need you for, and I think we could help each other out. You need a place to stay, and I need someone to help me here, so what do you say?”

Rey was scared, confused, and borderline delusional from lack of sleep. 

“Are you asking me to sleep with you for money?” 

Ben jumped back as if he’d been burnt. Both stared at each other, the air getting increasingly heavier.

“Rey. Two things, okay?” 

She nodded, bracing for his answer.

“Okay, one, I’m gay. Two... I’m dying.” 

Rey’s mug hit the floor, followed shortly by Rey herself.


	5. Chiliad

_ Present _

Kylo stared into the barren fridge, trying to ignore the rumble coming from his stomach. No wonder she’d passed out; this place was void of food entirely. He sighed, trying not to ponder too long on when she’d last had something to eat. He checked the drawer beside the sink, and sure enough there was a stack of take out menus. Ben was an avid supporter of the delivery food business, and although Kylo really preferred to cook meals himself he didn’t seem to have any other option at this time of night. He hoped the smell of Chinese food would be enough for Rey to call a temporary cease fire. The menu at the top of the pile was worn and crinkled, so Kylo dialed the number in hopes that it was well loved for a reason. 

“Hi Ben! Oh.. sorry. Is this Ben’s brother?”

Kylo’s heart clenched at the tone change,sadness replacing the momentary excitement on the other line. 

“Yes, is this the Gold Dragon?”

“Yes, what would you like to order tonight sir?” 

The formality sounded forced, and Kylo smiled softly. Ben had a way of making friends with anyone who so much as breathed in his presence.

“Um.. I’ll just have Ben’s usual order. Do you know if there was a girl here when you delivered?” 

“Rey? Of course! She loves our Lo Mein.” 

“Okay, great. I’ll take some of that too.”

“Thank you sir for ordering from the Gold Dragon, your order will be delivered in approximately thirty to forty-five minutes.” 

The other line disconnected, and Kylo went in search of his wallet.

_That was fast_,  Kylo thought as he heard the door bell ringing already. 

“Hello sir, here is your HOLY  _SHIT!_ ” The delivery man shouted, clearly alarmed by the sight before him. Kylo gave him a look of confusion, and the man returned his look with an embarrassed grimace.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry.. it’s just, well I forgot that you guys were twins,so you can imagine why I’d be pretty surprised.. sorry again.” 

He had his hand pressed to his heart, and was looking rather pale.

“Do you want to come in for a minute?” Kylo offered.

The man seemed to hesitate for a moment, then made up his mind and nodded resolutely.

“I’d love to, thanks.” 

“I’m Poe, by the way, Poe Dameron. I’ve known Ben for like, ever. Well not as long as you have obviously! But since we were in college. I delivered here, and he recognized me from campus right away, he said “who could forget an as..a face! like that” when we first met, but he remembers everyone so I couldn’t really take that as a compliment! I’m sorry, I’m kind of rambling. Hey, where is Rey by the way?” 

Kylo stopped unpacking their meal and pointed at the shut door across from them, giving him an “I give up” shrug. 

“Oh.. I can’t blame her. I mean we haven’t even buried him yet so.. I’m sorry. Again. This time for your loss, not rambling.” 

Kylo nodded, and watched as Poe crossed the room and knocked on the door.

“Rey, it’s me, can you come out and eat?”

His tone was soft and soothing, almost like a parent would speak to a child. Not a second later, the lock clicked and Rey threw herself into his arms.

“Poe! I’m so happy you’re here. Ben.. he.. didn’t..”

She began to sob, muffled in the startled man’s shoulder, her body going limp in his firm grasp.

“It’s okay, it’s okay Rey, I know. I miss him too. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, I was just.. I didn’t want to believe it was real.” 

Kylo turned away when he saw the shine in the man’s eyes, uncomfortable with being subjected to a very private moment. After an eternity, he cleared his throat. 

“Kylo! I’m sorry, we haven’t seen each other since.. . So, yeah. Sorry.”

He looked embarrassed again, and Kylo was getting very tired of hearing him apologize, and he also really wanted to eat his food but strangers weeping a foot from his meal made it far less appetizing. 

“It’s fine, I understand. Why don’t you two talk and I’ll take this to my room. Rey, these are yours.”

He slid the steaming box across the counter and made a hasty retreat before she had even responded. 

Someone knocked softly on Kylo’s door, and he opened it to see Poe.

“Hey, I’m heading out, just wanted to say bye. Also, this is for you.”

He handed Kylo an envelope, and Kylo stared down at it.

“What is it?” His mind was trying to put together an explanation, but Poe beat him to it.

“Ben gave it to me. He told me to give it to you as soon as I saw you. I haven’t opened it or anything, don’t worry. 

Kylo nodded, taking the envelope wordlessly and placing it on the dresser. 

“Thanks, and thank you for the food. I didn’t even pay you yet, what was the total?” 

Poe shook his head and smiled sadly.

“It’s on the house. Don’t argue, I won’t take your money. Ben meant a lot to me and my family, it’s the least we can do.” 

Kylo would have insisted if not for the look in the other man’s eyes. He was determined, so Kylo let it go. Poe reached out and firmly pat his shoulder, then turned and made his way out. He paused, glancing at Rey’s door, which was closed once again, before leaving. 

Kylo wondered for a moment what their relationship was, seeing as Poe seemed to know how to talk to her, and she was comfortable enough to cry in his arms without even speaking first. Oh well, what did it even matter to him?

He turned back to the dresser, eyeing the letter.  What now Ben?  He reached for it, turning it over in his hand. In the bottom left corner a small number one was drawn. Kylo gently peeled off the seal, and slipped out several pages folded neatly together.

_Kylo, I have about a thousand things to say to you. I wish I could write it all out, but I’m afraid that I don’t really have the time for that. I wish I’d thought to do this before, but you know all of my best ideas have been last minute. I miss you, you know? Being around you always helped to bring out those great ideas. I’m so glad you met Poe, he’s so handsome isn’t he? Not that you’d really notice haha. This is so old fashioned, isn’t it? I could have sent you an email, or even left a voicemail, but I guess I was feeling nostalgic. Remember how we’d leave those letters under the bed for each other? I loved that. I could tell you things I was way too embarrassed to say out loud. I still have all of the ones you wrote me, but I’m not ready to give them up yet. I should get back to right now though. I need you Kylo. I thought I could do all the things I needed to before I left, but it looks like I’m almost out of time. In a box under my bed is a letter for everyone I need to say good bye to. There are 98 in total, and each is just as important as the other. Please, please, please do this for me Kylo. No matter how hard it gets, just do this for me and I’ll forgive you for everything. I’ll also admit once and for all that you’re the big brother, even if we’re only six minutes and thirty two seconds apart. Also, please take care of Rey. Don’t let her be alone again. You and I both know how that feels. Sorry I told you she was a cat, but I wasn’t far off right? She reminds me of someone I know, can you guess who? Take her with you if she’ll go, and she will. The letters need to be in order, so I numbered them just in case. Rey’s is last, but don’t tell her she has one or she’ll kill you to get it. Also don’t worry, she’ll come around. Probably sooner than you think._

_Love you to Icarus and back, _

_Benny Boy_

Kylo could barely read the next part as his eyes brimmed with tears.

_P.S. _

_Rey is the little sister we never had, touch her and I’ll haunt you for all eternity! _

Kylo laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe, only stopping when the tears began to fall. He took a deep breath and wiped his face clean of any trace of them. He didn’t deserve to cry, he knew that. He’d do whatever it took to make it up to Ben for not being there for him. Delivering almost one hundred letters though? That was going to mean sticking around for a lot longer than he’d planned on. At least the last part was easy. He put the letter in the back of the dresser, hoping Rey wouldn’t go looking in there for any reason. Then he typed out an email to his secretary, letting him know that he would be extending his vacation. 


	6. Somnambulist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey’s confused, Kylo is distracted, and one of them sleepwalk apparently.
> 
> We finally get a little bit of Rey’s POV!

Rey held her breath as she turned the door knob one millisecond at a time. Finally the lock clicked, and the door creaked open. Rey peaked out into the dimly lit kitchen, and let out the air she’d kept in for way too long.  _Thank goodness,_ she sighed inwardly.She was thirsty, her legs were sore from being cramped up in her room, and she had to pee _so_ badly . _Just get a water bottle from the fridge, pee with the light off, flush, and run. It’ll be fine._ _You’ve got this Rey._ She crept through the silent apartment, stopping in front of the fridge. Carefully she opened the fridge an inch, slid her hand in and felt for a bottle blindly as to not turn on the inner light.  Gotcha!  Okay, one problem solved. Now, to the bathroom. 

She’d managed to get her business done in complete darkness. Next she flushed, slipped out of the door, took a step back and _SLAM_. 

She’d bumped into a wall? There was no wall...this wall was  warm , and, smelled kind of like summer? And it was  so soft  why was it so soft? 

“Mmmmm, can’t sleep?” The wall mumbled in a raspy, sleep-thick voice.

Rey’s heart shot straight into her throat. She was putting the pieces together slower than things were happening. Kylo was awake, and there was nearly no space between them. 

Without warning he pulled her closer, then slowly wrapped his arms around her middle, large hands resting on either side of her rib cage.

“You can sleep in my bed if you want. ” He whispered directly into her ear.

She shuddered, almost enjoying how he radiated heat, the rumble in his chest when he spoke, but then she realized how insane this was and dropped to the ground to escape his hold. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” She demanded, trying to catch her breath.

“_Hmmm_..what?” 

He sounded almost..drunk? But Rey knew the smell of liquor, and it would have been impossible to not pick up on it when he’d been so close.  _Too close_ , she shuddered again. 

Rey felt around on the wall until she found a light switch, and flipped it on quickly. Had he taken medicine or something? Why did he seem so out of it?

“Ouch, what are you..oh, Rey?”

He shielded his eyes from the light, acting as if he hadn’t just been cuddling her shirtless.  Shirtless , oh this was too much. Too much, the sleep ruffled hair, the soft blush on his cheeks, the bare _everything_ aside from some sweats that hung much too low across his waist line. She didn’t say a word as she dashed for her room, slamming the door behind her before diving back into her bed.  _There’s no way I’m getting back to sleep now._

The sound of rustling bags and the door shutting tore Rey from her restless slumber. She tried going back to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes her imagination would supply a very detailed image of the unfortunate incident from the night before. She growled in frustration, flung her legs over the side of the bed and stormed toward her door. At the last second she hesitated, losing her nerve at the prospect of seeing him again. No, there was no reason to avoid him. No reason other the feeling of being wrapped in his arms, the feeling of every inch of him pressed against her from behind, the vibration rolling through her chest when he spoke.. snap out of it Rey! Snap  slap out  slap of  slap it  slap . Her cheek stung now but at least she was back to her senses. Hunger, exhaustion, grief, all of it was mixing with the longing to be comforted, and confusing her immensely. She had hated him with every fiber of her being not even twenty four hours prior to now. The draw of his resemblance to Ben, along with the hole she felt within her was dangerous, pulling her to him like a moth to a flame. She needed to remind herself of what he’d done, why she loathed him so. With a new sense of resolve she opened her door, walking toward the kitchen with her shoulders set and a determined glean in her eye. 

Kylo was so startled by the sound of Rey’s door crashing open that he nearly shattered the glass he had just retrieved from the cabinet. 

“Kylo.” She addressed him in a clipped, formal tone.

“Rey. I..- Where did you get that?” 

He pointed to her shirt, forgetting how to breathe for a moment as he took in the sight before him. His shirt, it was  his shirt. He hadn’t seen it in years, but he recognized it from high school.His uncle Chewie had gifted it to him for his seventeenth birthday, he’d bought it at a concert for some indie metal band, Death Star, maybe? He wasn’t going to try to read the name, given who it currently adorned. It was oversized on her, long enough to cover up the shorts he prayed she was wearing beneath.Between this and his  too-real dream last night,kylo was feeling light headed. 

“Ben gave it to me, why?” She already seemed ready to defend herself. 

“Nothing, never mind.” 

There was no way Ben had done that on purpose, but Kylo still wouldn’t put it past him. 

“I have some things to do today. They’re Ben related. Are you coming with me or not?” 

Couldn’t have worded that a little better?  He could hear Ben’s voice scolding him from wherever he was. 

He didn’t mean to come off as... well as an asshole, but he’d never developed the ability to filter his words. If he thought it, he said it. His thoughts also tended to be blunt and to the point, which didn’t help his situation any. It had given him crippling social anxiety as a kid, not that anyone had given enough of a shit to notice, except for Ben. Ben had helped him enough that he could at least pull off the  _I just don’t give a shit _ _attitude_. 

“Yeah. I’ll come.”

She didn’t seem phased, probably not even caring what he’d said after hearing “Ben”. 

“K. We’re leaving at noon. Wear something you’re comfortable walking in.” 

She nodded, and without a word stepped down from the counter and began unloading the groceries he’d brought in. Kylo stared fixedly at the mug of coffee in his hands.


	7. Oneiromancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo visit a couple of interesting characters. 
> 
> POV changes a few times

_The previous night_

_Kylo stirred in his sleep, feeling like something was off. He groaned when it was clear that he wouldn’t be able to relax any time soon. The light was on in Rey’s room, and Kylo wondered if she’d had another nightmare._

_“Rey?” He spoke softly, tapping twice on her door._

_“Come in.” _

_Rey was curled up at the top of her bed, her legs against her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around them._

_“Another dream?” _

_He offered, and she nodded in reply, bottom lip quivering._

_“Can’t sleep?” _

_She nodded. He crossed the room, then sat beside her on the edge of her bed. She looked up at him, her tired eyes studying his face._

_“Would some water help?”_

_She nodded. _

_“I’ll get you some, just hold on for one -“ he was stopped by her hand grabbing his own in a vice grip. _

_“Okay, come with me then.” _

_She followed behind him, her hand still gripping his. Kylo tried to pretend it wasn’t making his chest feel too tight. She stuck to him like a shadow, making it even more difficult to get a glass of water with one hand. _

_“Here.” She took it and smiled softly, then took several long sipsbefore placing it on the counter. _

_“Better?”_

_She nodded, then suddenly she closed the distance between them, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. He froze for a moment, but he could feel that she was still trembling slightly from her nightmare. _

_“It’s okay Rey, I’ve got you.” _

_He finally wrapped his arms around her, then lifted her gently so she was sitting on the counter. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him in closer still. She tucked her face in beside his neck, and he had to do mental olympics to distract himself from the feeling of being pressed against her, her breath ghosting across his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair._

_“You can sleep in my bed if you want.” He offered._

_She nodded against his neck. He lifted her from the counter, hands clenching her thighs to keep her supported. When they reached his bed he lay her gently beside him. She immediately curled into him, and he began rubbing circles into her shoulder. _

_He couldn’t think about how good it felt to have her in his arms, how soft her skin was, how good she smelled. He began to run his fingers through her hair, listening to her breathing begin to even out. He would lie here forever, just the two of them. Movement from the desk in the corner caught his eye. He glanced over, then jumped up when he realized what he was seeing. _

_“Ben? Ben how are you here?” _ _He cried. _

_Ben tilted his head, then the room was illuminated as he ignited the lighter in his hand. In the other, he held his letter. _

_“You really couldn’t stay away from her, could you Kylo? You never were happy when I had something you didn’t.” _

_“Ben no! What are you doing?!”_

“...Rey?” 

The flames faded from view, and he could hear her voice but she sounded miles away. He was talking, but what was he saying? The light hurt, his eyes were hypersensitive for some reason. 

He took in his surrounding, still disoriented from panic. They were in the kitchen? And Rey, why did she look as scared as he felt?He was about to ask what had happened but she tore past him, slamming the door shut. He went into the bathroom and started a cold shower, hoping to cool the feeling of flames still on his skin. 

Back to the next day

“What.. is _that_.” 

Rey pointed at the motorcycle in front of her, a look of pure horror on her face.

“_That_ is my bike.”

She was still staring, a range of emotions crossing her face. Kylo had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

“I thought you were rich or something? You can’t even afford a car?” 

He snorted, pulling a helmet from the storage box under the backseat.

“This is a SJF systems Starfighter. It costs more than any of the cars currently parked on this street.” 

Rey glared at the offending vehicle.

“Well this is an R-E-Y system, and I would rather D-I-E than get on the back of that thing.”

“Ben wanted one, you know. I bet you would have loved to get on the back of his.” 

Her cheeks tinged an unmistakeable pink, but she still looked irritated.

“Do you think I’m going to do anything you say if you pull the Ben card? I’m still trying to forget about how much I wish it was him standing here right now instead of you.” 

He bit his tongue, because although her words were uncalled for, she was right. He’d started it, she was just very skilled at ending it.

“Pretend it’s him then.” 

She stared at him for a long moment before stepping forward and snatching the helmet from his hands. 

“Let’s go.” 

He felt a bit guilty at his tactic for getting her on the bike, but it was the only way he could think of.  Note to self, no more “pulling the Ben card.”

_I need a car._

Kylo was currently caught between being grateful he’d never pissed Rey off enough to get in a physical fight, and cursing his lack of oxygen. Rey was strong. Irrationally so. Her thin arms were wrapped around his middle like a vice. He felt like a deer in the grips of a python. She had held onto the back of his shirt until the moment they turned onto the highway, then she had plastered herself to his back. He could feel her thighs digging into her sides, the tips of each finger definitely leaving bruises on his back. He ignored everything else he could feel. 

“Are we almost there?” He nearly slammed into the minivan in front of them when Rey’s voice suddenly shouted directly next to his head. 

“How did you even know these had an intercom? And you don’t need to yell.” 

“I felt the button earlier.” 

“So you just pressed it?”

“What’s the worst it would do?” 

“...okay. Fair. Yeah we’re almost there.” 

“Can I drive back?” 

“Can you what?”

“I want to drive it.” 

“I thought you didn’t want to d-i-e?” 

“I won’t. Can I or not?” 

“Fine. Why not.” 

Kylo heard himself agreeing to let Rey drive them home, but he couldn’t believe it was him agreeing. This bike was expensive, and so were hospital bills. She didn’t even want to get on it and now she thought she could drive it? 

_Sure. Today is a good day to die I guess._

“Rey, we’re here.” She jumped when he spoke through their comm, then quickly disentangled herself. Finally he could  breathe  again. 

“Here. Just knock on the door and give these to them.” 

He handed her two letters, one addressed to  Artie and one to  Threepio. Old  friends of his uncle Luke.  _Former _ _uncle,_ he told himself.  _They’re not your family any more._

“Wait, what? You’re not coming? What are these?” 

He realized that he’d never even explained what Ben had asked him to do. 

“Ben had some letters he wanted me to deliver, these were the first ones.”

He saw it in her eyes, the burning question of whether he had one for her or not, but she seemed to read his face because she turned away without a word.

“Okay. Well good luck.”

She turned to walk away, but he caught her hand. She tore it from his grasp, clutching it as if he’d bit her. 

“Sorry, it was just.. we’ll go together okay?” 

He couldn’t tell her he had panicked, that the thought of being left alone with these people made him want to vomit. He pleaded with her silently, hoping she would understand some how. She stared at him, and after a moment reached forward and grabbed his sleeve. 

“Come on.”

He couldn’t breathe for the second time that day because of her.

“Master Kylo! What an unexpected surprise! I’m so sorry about Ben, what a terrible loss. You must be Rey! Ben told us all about you when we spoke last. I do say you are even more beautiful than he described, in fact I-“ 

“Pio, give it a rest. Sorry about him, I’m Artie. Do you want to come in?”

The comically vast difference between the tall bespectacled chatter box and the stout, quiet man was not lost on Rey, who laughed as she shook Artie’s hand. 

“No worries, and we’d be happy to.”

_We_ .

“Is Bee still-“

Kylo didn’t have time to finish his sentence before a flurry of rusty fur was hurtling toward them both, causing Rey to jump back into him. He grasped her shoulders to stop them both from crashing to the floor.

“Thanks.” She mumbled, staring up at him. He nodded slowly, then realized she was staring because he was still gripping her.  _What is your issue Ren?_

“Who is this?” Rey smiled, bending down to bury her face in the hairy demons neck. 

“That’s bee, our rescue. He’s probably older than you.” 

“Ask his full name.” Kylo goaded.

She looked up at Artie expectantly.

“BB-8.”

“What an.. interesting name?” 

Kylo was surprised to hear Artie laugh at her attempt to cover up her confusion.

“It was the unit he was in. I’m not the best at naming. At any rate Pio thought that it was a name tag so he’d been calling him it before we even took him home.” 

Rey’s smile brightened when Bee gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. 

“I like you too Bee!” 

“You speak dog?” Kylo teased.

“Everyone knows that’s what puppy kisses mean B...Kylo.” Her smile faded. Kylo felt his throat tighten. Bee seemed to sense her mood change because he whined softly, then climbed into her lap. She pat his head as if to say  thank  you.

“So, long time no see Kylo. How’s life at the top treating you?” 

He felt his stomach drop, all eyes on now on him. He cleared his throat, trying to swallow his panic and put on the mask of indifference. The rusty old dog jumped up from Rey’s lap and leaned against his leg. Kylo couldn’t help but rub behind his ears, grateful that someone knew how he felt. 

“I’ve been fine, thanks. You?” 

Artie nodded, and opened his mouth to answer when Threepio entered the room balancing a tray of tea and about twenty different desserts.

“Oh, so sorry to interrupt! It’s terribly chilly out, and I just noticed what you drove here on! You’re lucky you don’t have frostbite, especially your girlfriend, she’s as thin as a marjoram biscuit! Would you like some tea dear? It’s piping so you’re sure to be hotting up in no time at all. You simply must try these  cookies , as you all call them, we picked them up from the bakery down the street and-“ 

“Pio, how about we read our letters first? Our guests can stay or go as they please.” 

Kylo’s head was still spinning, processing the words girlfriend, marjoram, and hotting up, and Rey seemed to be trying to catch up as well. 

“I’d..like some tea, please.” 

Threepio lit up like a Christmas tree, and would have probably jumped for joy had he not been holding a steaming tray of hot liquid.

“Come to the sitting room then! You and I can chat while these two do whatever the brooding sort do when left to their own devices.” 

He ushered her away, leaving Artie and Kylo alone. Kylo could scream, but he was the  brooding type  and that didn’t really fit his image.

“You know you’re going to have to see him eventually.” 

Here it was, the reason Kylo had been dreading this encounter all along.

“I don’t.” 

“You do. You know how much you hurt him. You’re going to see him at the services, are you just going to ignore him? He just lost his nephew.”

“And I lost my brother!” Kylo shouted, finally losing his cool. 

“I won’t be at the services, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” He added at a lower volume.

“So Rey, it’s so lovely to hear the Queen’s English coming from someone else for a change. Are you from a Shire? Essex? Kent? I’d pin you for a Westminster girl myself, but I don’t want to assume-“

“I’m sorry to interrupt, it’s just that I don’t know where I’m from. I’m an orphan, but I’ve lived in the states for as long as I can remember. Your guess is as good as mine.” 

Threepio placed his hand over his heart, looming thoroughly embarrassed and sympathetic to her tragic story. It made Rey severely uncomfortable.

“My love, I’m terribly sorry. Ive made quite an arse of myself now haven’t I? I truly don’t know when to belt up sometimes! Forgive me, but may I ask if you’ve ever tried to find your family? You know that’s what I do for a living.” 

“I haven’t, I didn’t really have the resources so I kind of gave up. I guess I just -“ 

She was interrupted by a shout from somewhere in the house. Both forgot their conversation as they ran toward the sound.

Rey took in Kylo’s expression. His attempt to hide his anguish was pathetic. He was panting, his eyes glossy. He looked close to fainting. Artie seemed unmoved, wearing the same expression he’d had since their arrival. Rey knew it was time to leave.

“It was a pleasure to meet you both, but I’m afraid we’ve over stayed out welcome. Thank you again for the tea, Threepio.” She reached forward, pulling Kylo’s sleeve. He stared past her, as if his mind her miles away. She sighed, and slipped her hand into his, pulling him toward the door.

“Kylo! Would you snap out of it? What happened in there?” 

He slowly looked up at her, then down at their hands. He gave them a half smile, making Rey’s heart clench. It was the same smile she’d seen on his brother, but this one looked so painfully sad.

“After all this time. They still.. they still thinks it’s me. That I..” he trailed off, shaking his head and scoffing. 

“Kylo, can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

“Do I have to?”

She laughed for some reason, and shook her head. 

“No, you don’t. But can we go home now?”

He nodded, and was about to put the keys in when Rey stopped him. 

“Forgetting something?” She asked, the hand that stopped him now held out in front of her expectantly. He wasn’t about to get away with going back on his word.

“Really? Fine. Do a practice lap first.” 

Rey smiled brightly, then ripped the keys from his hand. She put on the helmet, threw her leg over andkickstarted the bike. She took off like a bat out of hell, and Kylo genuinely thought for a moment that it was the last time he’d see her alive. Then in a second she was flying past him, doing a perfect figure eight before pulling up in front of him in a quick stop.

She pulled off the helmet, some stray hairs falling loose around her face. Her cheeks were flushed, and her smile was so free from the usual shadow of grief. Kylo felt as if her arms were once again crushing his ribs as he sucked in the cold air through his teeth.

“Well, how was that?” 

He snapped out of his daze, but couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from her. 

“Perfect. It was uh.. good, perfect..fine.” She tilted her head and laughed.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” 

He shrugged, and she laughed again.

“I’ll take it. Now get on already.” 

Kylo didn’t want to know how it felt to have Rey in his lap, to know how her hips felt gripped in his hands. But here he was, mentally berating himself over the one thing he’d overlooked when agreeing to let her drive. At least he was enjoying being a passenger, and Rey drove like a professional. What he was not enjoying, however, was where his mind seemed to be every time he was in contact with her. He wasn’t like this, this wasn’t him. He didn’t even date. He just had no interest in any of it. Relationships, love, even sex. He’d just never wanted to be that vulnerable with someone. He’d thought for a while that he may be Asexual or something, but here was Rey throwing that notion askew. It must be the fact that they lived together, he’d never been around someone other than family this often. The letter, that was messing with his head too. It hadn’t even crossed his mind to see her that way until he’d been told not to. Now he was hyper aware of it. Ben had always been able to get into his head, so it was no surprise even after he was gone he was still messing with him.  _I miss him. _ The thought was there before he could catch it, but he fought back the feelings that came with it and focused on the road below him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad that I haven’t posted in a little bit so I hope this longer chapter makes up for it! Sometimes when I get depressed I hate everything I write so it’s hard to post things because I feel like I’ll let people down, but I couldn’t just leave this in my notes forever :P


	8. Kaleidoscopic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of tears and an awkward hug.

> Kylo was grateful that Rey hadn’t bothered to ask again about the incident at Artie and Threepio’s place. However, she seemed to be dealing with something herself, and he couldn’t help but be concerned. She walked around in a sort of haze, picking things up just to put them down, eating like a bird instead of her usual inhalation. She was currently stirring a mug of tea, her spoon making its hundredth lap around the pool of formerly warm liquid.

“Rey.” 

She startled so much that the spoon flew from her hand and clattered across the counter.

_“What?”_ She seethed, giving him a proper glare.

“Sorry... I didn’t expect you to get so-“ 

her expression darkened and he decided to drop the subject. 

“-uh..anyway, are you..okay?” 

Her expression changed from peeved to pained before she attempted to appear indifferent.

“I’m-“ 

she cleared her throat. 

“-I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

He crossed the kitchen, stopping just before her. He studied her hands rather than meeting her eyes. They had that look of being so cold they took on a bluish hue, and he now realized they trembled slightly. He reached down without thinking, and was not surprised to find he was right. They were like ice. When he did look up to ask her why, her face was flush and her breathing slightly erratic. He placed his other hand on her forehead. Her face was burning.

“Rey, are you sick?” She took a moment to respond, staring down at his hand that enveloped both of hers.

“I’m not. I’m fine. And stop touching me without permission.” 

She slipped her hands from his and made to go past him, only to sway as if she were about to collapse. Kylo caught her out of instinct, but was surprised when rather than pulling away she simply sank into his grasp. He pulled her to stand, and she relaxed into his hold. She felt so fragile all of a sudden, like if he let her go she’d simply crumble into dust. 

“I’m so tired Kylo.” She sighed. He wrapped his arms around her tighter still, and she began to tremble, before her body gave in and she began to sob into his shoulder.

“Why isn’t he here Kylo? Why did he show up in my life just to die? What kind of sick joke is it that the first person to ever give a shit about me just..just..”she couldn’t seem to finish her sentence, giving in to the cries that wracked her body. Kylo felt his heart splintering at the pain he felt radiating from her.

“Rey. You’re.. the best person he could have met. I know that he cared about you immensely. He told me you’re like the little sister he never had.” He realized his mistake too late, because she whipped her head up to look at him. 

“When? When did he say that?” 

Quick, Kylo, come up with a lie. She can’t see the letter yet. Her’s is last.. 

“Uh.. he didn’t tell me, I read it. In his letter to Artie.”

She smiled sadly. 

“Thats how I felt about him. He was like my big brother. Not at first, to be honest. I really liked him. But when he told me he wasn’t attracted to women, I accepted that we’d be friends. But I just loved him too much, so brother is a better fit. He was my only family, that wanted me at least.” 

Kylo wondered when he should let her go, because now that she wasn’t crying it was probably awkward for her to keep talking to him while he held her. But she didn’t move, so should he just stay like this? This was good, he didn’t mind this one bit. But then he remembered Ben’s note, and he wondered if this was crossing the line. She seemed to sense his thoughts because she slipped quietly from his grasp. Then she paused, and in a moment that left them both surprised she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. 

“Thank you.” She whispered, the warmth of her cheek and tickle of her breath causing him to involuntarily shudder. 

“You’re-“ he swallowed thickly.

“You’re welcome. You can.. you can talk to me, whenever you need to. I know I’m not Ben but, well I can listen when you want to talk. These ears aren’t just for looks you know.”

Rey snorted, then began to giggle, which caused Kylo to laugh at the sound of her giggle, which caused Rey to burst out in laughter and Kylo to follow suit. They were both breathless by the time the fit was over, Rey using one hand on the counter to keep herself standing. Kylo rubbed the soreness from his stomach, trying to recall the last time he’d laughed like that. It had been a while, he knew that at least. 

“Rey?” 

She looked up at him, still wiping her tears of laughter from her cheeks.

“Yeah?” 

He wasn’t sure what took over him, but he felt the need to run away with her. Anywhere that didn’t feel like Ben.

“Let’s go to the beach.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters at once wooo! Next chapter has a couple warnings, just some talk about depression, past sexual abuse(very very vague just hinting at it) and also implied past medication abuse


	9. Thalassophile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let’s go to the beach beach, let’s go get away.. in December.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter- very vague hinting at past sexual abuse, also mentions of mental illness (depression) and mild medication abuse

“Why did I agree to this again?” Rey shivered, pulling Ben’s jacket tighter around her middle. Didn’t she own any clothes of her own?

“Nice jacket.” 

She smiled at him from behind the collar. Her breath swirled in clouds around her, giving her an almost ethereal look.

“Ben had to give it to me, I didn’t have one when I came here. I lived in Arizona, so I only really needed one at night but it wasn’t safe to be out anyway so..I just didn’t have one. He bought me a lot of clothes, but I’d been wearing this a lot so he just let me keep it.” 

Kylo nodded, trying to ignore the urge to pry more into her past. He wanted to know everything about her, the good, the bad, just everything. He’d always been curious, just usually not about other people. He loved space, so maybe it was how much she seemed to be from a different planet in his eyes.  You’re grasping as straws, kid , He could hear Ben saying.  Shut up,  he replied. 

“You’re not from Boston?” He asked, and immediately felt like an idiot.

“How ever did you guess? Was it the accent that gave it away?” She laughed, pushing his shoulder lightly as if to say she was just teasing him. 

“No, I’m from all over. I don’t know where I was born, but the foster families that passed me around were in so many different states I stopped keeping track. I was in Arizona the longest, because I had run away and they couldn’t find me. Ended up in New York with a guy who said he was my “step-dad”. I think he had some taboo kink or something.” She made the motion of gagging herself before continuing. “So I got out of there as soon as I could. Sorry, I’m not calling anyone  Daddy  even if we were related.” 

Kylo failed to hide the horror on his face. 

“Did he-?”

She shook her head, pulling the jacket tight once again.

“No. Not him.” 

The words she left unspoken broke something inside of him, the embers of a rage he’d been suppressing for years suddenly roaring to life. He clenched his fist, images of every time she’d been startled by a look or touch he’d stupidly- he stopped spiraling when he felt her move closer, pressing her side to his. She was just cold, obviously. He slipped off his scarf, reached over and wrapped it around her neck until only her eyes were visible. She pulled it away from her face a bit, but didn’t take it off. 

“I grew up here. I left when I was seventeen. It was a week before I turned eighteen, so nobody bothered stopping me.” 

She turned to him, a mix of feelings in her eyes.

“Why did you leave?” 

He knew she’d ask, but still felt a weight in his chest about answering.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. My parents had dumped me on my uncle, my uncle.. he kicked me out. My relatives didn’t want me and I didn’t have any friends. I got offered a job in New York, so I took it.” 

“Why did your parents kick you out?” 

Had Ben never told her?  Why would he?  Kylo thought bitterly. 

“I wasn’t Ben. He was smart, he played sports, he had a scholarship to Harvard by junior year. He was  Ben Solo. I was just his weird brother. I was awkward, I didn’t know how to talk to people. I’d been depressed since I was a kid, and my parents didn’t want anything to do with it. My grades were shit, and every time they put me in a sport I’d get into fights and end up kicked off the team.” 

“Why wouldn’t your parents get you help?! Who would just let their kid live with depression, especially when it was obviously effecting you so much?”

He wanted to grab her, to hold her so tight that she might not be able to breathe and scream thank you at her for being the first person to say it wasn’t his fault for being sick.

“My mom is a general in the army. What right did I have to be depressed? She’d seen people she loved killed before her eyes, went to countries where they had to worry about their kids being killed by suicide bombs and AK47’s, but her son who had everything he needed and wanted was depressed? My dad, he just didn’t believe in that stuff. ‘ Just an excuse for kids to be lazy ’ he’d say.  ‘Kids these days are so soft, every one of them is diagnosed with this or that, we all know they’re just little assholes who want attention. When I was kid where were all these supposed illnesses? If we were sad we sucked it up and got shit done because there wasn’t another choice.’  They were right, I had no business being the way I was. I was weak, and spoiled. So they sent me to live with my Uncle Luke. He was a veteran, and a war hero. He was more decorated than Central Park at Christmas. But even he couldn’t fix me, so they gave up. Who could blame them? Their son was weak. I even gave up on Kylo Solo. I hated him so much I destroyed him.” 

He felt like the words had thorns, and the more he spoke the harder they were to tear from his body.He was reliving it all, the years of agony, of not even being able to look into the mirror because of how disgusted he was by himself. He was a mistake, and when they all turned on him he blamed nobody but himself. 

“Kylo, you’re wrong. They failed you. They should have been helping you, but instead they let you think that you’d done something wrong just because you were born with an illness that was out of your control. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry they did that to Kylo Solo. I wish I could go back and talk some sense into his parents for you.” 

Kylo sniffled, trying to turn his face from her to hide his tears. He wished she’d been there too, wished she’d protected him, stood up to Luke and his parents and the school, everyone who said he was just a lost cause.

“Why didn’t Ben help? Why didn’t he do something?” 

“He tried. He was always there for me, to talk, to stick up against anyone who said something about me. But then..something happened. And nobody believed that it wasn’t me. He could have stopped it all, but it would have ruined him. So I let him go. I was holding him back, pulling him into the darkness with me and I knew he was better off with the rest of them.” 

“Kylo, can you tell me what happened? Please?”

She wanted to hear it, but he didn’t want to ruin her image of his brother. He couldn’t look at her, because he knew she’d see everything he hid inside. 

“Ben and I were staying with my Uncle Luke for the summer. He had pills, to help with his PTSD. They were supposed to help with anxiety and panic attacks, I guess. He noticed some were missing, so he went through my stuff. He found the money I’d been making to save for a car, and assumed I’d been selling his pills. I made the money by writing papers for my friends, so I couldn’t tell him or else we could all be expelled. I told him I couldn’t tell say where I got it, but I promised that it wasn’t from the pills, and I didn’t know where they went. He called my parents, and they all sat me down. They didn’t even ask for my side. They just asked why. Like they already knew it was me because I was the fuck up right? Ben came home, and when they left he told me and Luke it was him. He’d tried one, and it had really helped with his stress because of Harvard and grades and everything, so he kept sneaking them. We all knew if it got out that he’d never be able to keep his scholarship. So I took the fall. I said he was lying just to protect me. Luke believed it in a second. He told Ben to stop covering up for me. Here’s the thing, though. In the military, he’d been on a unit who were trained to basically be human lie detectors. He knew Ben wasn’t lying, and he knew I was. He didn’t want to see the truth, or for his precious nephew to miss out on his dreams. He told me to leave, so I did.” 

Rey was silent, so Kylo took a chance and turned to face her. Tears were flowing steadily down her cheeks. He turned away quickly. He couldn’t stomach to see her upset over him.

“I’m sorry. I just went off. You didn’t need to hear all that. Don’t think any less of Ben, it really wasn’t his fault.” 

“I don’t think less of him. But I do think more of you. I thought you were just this heartless idiot who didn’t realize how good he had it. I’m sorry, for being so wrong.” 

He buried his hands into the sand, trying to hide their shaking.

“Kylo, look at me. Please.” 

He couldn’t. He would break, he knew it. He couldn’t look into her eyes and see the pity in them. He wasn’t worthy of it.

He felt her shift, then stand. She walked in front of him, then kneeled so she was face to face with him. Her warmth was soothing, but her proximity was unsettling. His breath caught when she placed her icy hands on his cheeks and turned his face to hers. Her eyes were blazing, a stunning contrast to the cold around them. 

“You’re not alone, Kylo.” 

He blinked slowly, and a single tear slipped free. 

“Neither are you.” He whispered, afraid to disturb the dream like moment they were in. She crawled forward on her knees. She wiped the tear from his cheek before gently parting his legs. She turned, tucking herself in so that her back was against his chest. Her head leaned back gently to rest on his shoulder, and he reached up with the hand that wasn’t keeping him sitting. One at a time he pulled her buns free, wanting to see her without them for once. Maybe she seemed as vulnerable as he felt that way. She didn’t stop him, just reached back and took her hair ties from him. He wasn’t sure how long they sat this way, but at some point Rey dozed off, and he finally let the tears he’d been holding back free. 


	10. Cicatrize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insomnia is in the air.

Kylo watched as Rey fidgeted incessantly with the fringed edge of the arm chair she sat in. Kylo wasn’t sure what was causing her anxiety, but he imagined that it must have something to do with the letter in her hand.

“Rey. Wonderful to see you. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The tall redhead reached forward and took Rey’s hand, then lifted it gently and placed a lingering kiss on the back of it. Kylo’s stomach turned. Rey smiled and pulled her hand back, rubbing it absentmindedly on her shirt before she gave him the letter.

“Good to see you too Hux. This is why I’m here, actually. It’s from Ben.”

His smile seemed to falter, but it was nearly imperceptible, to the point Kylo thought he must have imagined it. 

“I see. I’m sorry for your loss, by the way. He’ll be sorely missed around here. How about we get together this weekend? I’m sure he’d be happy to know we are staying in touch.” 

She glanced directly at Kylo then, and Hux followed her line of vision. He seemed shocked to see Kylo there, as if he was so easy to miss. 

“Sorry, I’d love to. But Kylo and I have been working on setting Ben’s affairs non-stop. We really don’t have the time.”

“Non-sense! You’re both welcome. We’re having a company party this weekend actually, I’ll text you all the details. Do I have your phone number?”

Rey faltered for a moment, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a rather archaic looking phone.

“Lovely. Here you are.” Her phone trilled, and she stared down at the screen. 

“That’s my number.Now we’re even. See you this weekend.” 

He turned and gave Kylo a rather unfriendly looking smile, then waved at them both before greeting his next client and walking them into his office.

Kylo decided then that he hated him. 

“Who was that guy exactly?” He asked as they returned to his bike. 

“Hux. He was Ben’s coworker. There was an incident at the company and he helped to fix it, so they moved him up to a corporate position. He makes the big bucks now.” 

Kylo snorted at her expression, and she smiled at him but her mind seemed elsewhere. 

“He seems like a sleaze.” 

She turned to him quickly, but didn’t argue immediately.

“I’m sure he’s not. I mean, I know he’s not. Ben was friends with him after all. And he was a good guy. He just comes off a little strong, that’s all.”

She seemed to be trying to convince herself more than him. But she was quick to defend. Kylo wondered if there was more to it, but decided to save that thought for a different time. 

“Do we have to go that party?” 

He was silently pleading with his eyes to say no, but she wasn’t looking. 

“Yes. Besides, it’s a good opportunity to give out some letters. I’m sure a few of Ben’s coworkers will be there and I know at least one is the next on the list.” 

He was inclined to ask who but she had already hung up her jacket and made a beeline for her bedroom.  Another night of Chinese takeout and shitty Christmas movies alone.  Kylo sighed to himself. 

“Sorry, I’m just..I don’t know. Can I sit here?” Rey had quietly entered the living room, eating rice out of a takeout box. 

Kylo nodded, and moved over to make her room beside him. Rey settled beside him, then lay her head and sighed.

“Can’t sleep?” 

“Yeah. I thought it was getting until..well, it’s always been a problem for me.” 

Kylo nodded, knowing all too well how that felt. The tossing and turning, the racing thoughts, watching the hours pass until you needed to get out of bed and function. 

“Here.” 

He handed her the remote, like an olive branch of sorts. Their relationship was in the awkward stages of ‘are we friends or just strangers who live together?’ And he hoped to at least be able to establish one or the other. 

“Thanks.” She smiled, fingertips brushing along his as she took it from him. 

She hesitated, her eyes scanning his for a moment before turning to the television.

She settled on a cooking show, a competition for home cooks to recreate the dish of a famous chef. The person who showed the most know-how won a scholarship to culinary school and an internship with the famous chef themselves. 

“What do you think they do with all that food?” 

Kylo was actually surprised to realize he’d never thought about it.

“Maybe they give it to the crew? Or the guests. But I can’t imagine anyone wants to eat the dishes that don’t win.”

“Do you think they throw it away? That’s such a waste! That guy just overcooked a hundred dollar steak and dumped it in the trash.” 

“Should we watch something else?” 

Kylo was having a really difficult time not laughing at her indignant pout. Something about her scrunched up angry face made him feel like smiling.

“No, no it’s fine it’s just.. there are so many people who can’t even afford to have clean water. And they’re throwing away food just because it’s overcooked a little. How do even get on this show? How do you not know how to cook a steak?”

“I think that’s kind of the point of the show.”

“Oh, yeah I guess you’re right. Oops.” 

She laughed at her own mistake, and Kylo couldn’t hold his own laughter in any more.They continued to watch the show, occasionally one of them making a comment that had the other laughing or nodding in agreement.

“Rey, do you think-“ Kylo turned to her, only to realize she was asleep. Her head was resting on the back of the couch, everything else bundled under a comforter. Her hair was down, falling across her cheek. He reached forward, tucking it behind her ear, then quickly retracted his hand when he realized what he was doing. He rested his cheek on the back of the couch as well, taking the rare chance to look at her when she wasn’t going to take offense to it. He closed one eye, and pretended to draw each of her features by tracing them in the air. He drew a dot for every freckle, followed the soft curve of her nose. He outlined her soft, plush bottom lip.. maybe he should stop. He turned abruptly back to the tv, changing the channel to the home shopping network. 

Rey woke with a start, trying to get an idea of where she was. A heavy weight was in her lap, and she nearly screamed when she realized it was the upper half of Kylo Ren. They were in the living room? When did she... now she remembered, she’d felt especially alone last night. That feeling was suffocating, and when coupled with insomnia it was unbearable. She’d heard the television from her room and decided that she could probably be civil for a couple of hours. She had enjoyed spending time with him far more than she had expected, and was apparently even comfortable enough to fall asleep beside him. If she was being honest, her resentment was close to nonexistent at this point. He was abrasive, sure, and came off as arrogant and rude. The truth of the matter was that he was a lot like her. She knew that he had a hard time saying the things he meant, that he didn’t trust easily or let anyone close. He was a lot like Ben too. That made it more difficult, yet somehow also easier, to warm up to him. Were they friends? She wouldn’t deny it if asked. She would, however, deny that he had somehow ended up sleeping away contentedly on her thighs, his arms wrapped around her stomach. His head lay on the arm rest, and her arm was supporting his neck. She attempted to at least free her arm, but that caused him to lean forward and tuck his face into her stomach.  Shit. This was even worse. Okay Rey, maybe just a liiight push and -  thump. 

Rey panicked, closing her eyes quickly and pretending she hadn’t just accidentally rolled a sleeping Kylo onto the carpet below them. 

“Ouch..” he groaned. She blinked her eyes slowly, acting as sleepy as possible. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Huh? Oh it’s okay, don’t worry about it, it’s fine. All good. You’re fine.” 

He gave her a puzzled look, but then returned to rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He stretched, and Rey watched as his shirt was pulled up to reveal a strip of torso. 

“You want some coffee?”

“Huh? Oh, coffee. Yes please.” She felt her cheeks burning at how obviously she had been ogling, but he didn’t seem to have noticed. Hopefully. 

The next night they watched a horror film. Probably not the best choice for two insomniacs with overactive imaginations. Rey accidentally punched Kylo when the monster popped up on the screen. Kylo accidentally slapped Rey in an attempt to grab onto the pillow when the soccer player was being eaten. They agreed on that being the first and last scary movie. They spent the next few nights binging a series, which turned out to be ten percent operations and ninety percent sex scenes. They were both too invested to stop watching it despite the awkward atmosphere it created. They attempted to watch a movie about a dog after they finished their series but Rey was crying so much that Kylo insisted on turning it off. He would never admit it but she knew he was the one who couldn’t handle it anymore. This had become a nightly ritual within a week. They both agreed on what to watch, Rey fell asleep, and Kylo was usually unconscious not long after. Rey would wake up first, and attempt an escape from whichever of Kylo’s limbs had migrated in her direction during the course of the night. She hadn’t slept this much since losing Ben, and it made letting him go just a little easier. Her nightmares had stopped, replaced with the occasional dream but usually nothing at all. She preferred it that way, anything but the nightmares. 

“Kylo, you pain in the ass, get up!” She yelled, currently pinned under his legs. Finally she gave up, and gave him one good shove. He crashed to the floor unceremoniously. 

“You know, there are nicer ways of waking people up.” He groaned, rubbing his backside as he stood. He stretched, a morning habit of his, she’d come to realize, and Rey watched. That was now  her morning habit. 

“Well maybe if people weren’t pinning me to the couch when I have to pee I wouldn’t need to wake them up like that.” She pushed past him, heading for the bathroom.

When she came out he’d already made two cups of coffee and toast. It was a small thing, but it made her feel warm. She smiled, taking in the image of Kylo standing with his hand over the toaster, so impatient that he had to get the toast the instant it popped up. She took a mental picture, and stored it in her folder of ‘reasons Kylo Ren doesn’t suck as much as I thought’. 

“So, that party is this weekend. Are we really going?”

She nodded, and he sighed dejectedly.

“Okay, we give out the letters, give our best, and leave?” 

Rey nodded again, and this time he smiled, then jumped when the toast popped up. Rey laughed, and he shot her a glare, but then chuckled at his own expense also.

“Do you..know what I should wear?” She asked awkwardly. This would be her first party, and she didn’t really want to wear Ben’s hand me downs and some leggings.

“Oh. Shit. I need something too. It’s a company party, but it’s more like a gala from what the invitation the ginger sent you said. So we can’t really show up in..this.” He pointed between himself in his joggers and hoodie, and her in shorts and a Harvard pullover.

“Well obviously! And the ginger, really? You know his name.”

“What was it again?” 

“Hux! You better not pretend you don’t know it at the party!”

He smirked. “Or what?”

He had a point.

“I’ll kick your ass, that’s what.”

He snorted. “You, all what, one hundred pounds of you? Are going to kick  my  ass.” 

“Yes. And I’m at least one twenty I’ll have you know.” 

“You’re the only woman I know who would get angry about someone guessing their weight was less than it is.” 

“That’s offensive!”

“Is it? Why don’t you  kick my ass  since you’re so offended.” 

Rey stood, placing her mug on the table. She crossed the kitchen, coming to stop directly in front of him. 

“Lets go. Right now.”

He was still smiling, but it faltered slightly.

“What? Are you serious?” 

“Deadly.” She teased, trying to keep a straight face.

“Okay. I’m down. But only sparring. I’m not going to meet Ben’s coworkers with a black eye.” 

“Fine. Glad you know your own limits.” 

He glared, and then in an instant he lifted her and tossed her effortlessly over his shoulder.

“What the- Kylo put me down!” 

She punched and kicked, but he continued walking until they were in the living room, where he dropped her onto the couch. He then pushed everything against the walls, so they had a large open space to spar on the carpet.

“Ready?”

She jumped up from the couch, then stood in front of him and got into a defensive stance. She was so excited, missing this feeling more than she realized. The only fights she’d ever been in had been serious, but she’d loved every second of it. The feeling of winning, of her opponent underestimating her only to be knocked on their asses, it was great.

“Three..”

“Two..”

“One..”

Rey moved to slip around him, but he caught her and turned her around, pinning her back to his front. She scrambled, but he had her locked. 

“Yield?” He whispered into her ear. She bent her leg, managing to get a enough traction to turn and push against him, breaking free from his hold. 

“You wish!” She laughed. He pushed his hair back from his face, looking more untamed than she’d ever seen him. 

This time she tried to be more calculating. His size was his advantage and disadvantage, the same as her. She waited for him to make the first move, and he took the bait. He reached forward, and she grabbed his arm, then slid her leg behind his and hooked it. She used her momentum to take him to the floor, then trapped his legs and pinned his arms. She laughed when she saw the shock on his face. 

“Yield?” She teased. They were both out of breath, and Rey could feel his every breath he took in as she rose and fell with his diaphragm. 

“Rey..” he sighed gently, and her grip relaxed as she took in the view below her. His hair was tousled, his cheeks flushed, a sheen of sweat across his forehead. It was almost like.. her brain stopped when he gently pulled his arm from her slack grasp. He slid his hand along her neck, stopping when his hand rested along her jaw. 

“What?” She breathed. Then, without warning, he grabbed her other arm, hurled her down and straddled her, effectively pinning her. 

“Oh come on!” She cried, feeling like a novice for falling for his tactic.

“You’re too trusting. We can work on that.” He smiled, but she could see that he was serious. She would have been able to come up with a proper retort if her mind wasn’t running wild with their current position. Her heart was slamming against her ribs so loudly she thought he could hear it for sure. Her cheeks were burning, and she could only hope he assumed she was out of shape. He stared down at her, then his smile softened, and he leaned closer slightly. Suddenly he froze, like he’d come out of a daze, and stood up, pulling her with him. 

He cleared his throat. “I’m going to shower.”He turned to her, then reached forward and ruffled her hair gently. 

“You could use one too.” He teased, and she gave him a look of mock indignation and smacked his hand away. He was right though, so she didn’t argue. The minute he was behind the bathroom door she got herself a glass of ice water and drank it in one go. 

Saturday night arrived sooner than Kylo would have liked, and now he sat at the counter debating on going or coming down with a mysterious illness within the next five minutes that would warrant staying home. 

“Ready.” Rey spoke from her door way. 

“Finally, I was starting to think..” Kylo forgot whatever snarky comment had been on his tongue when he looked up at her. His eyes trailed up her long, toned legs to her satin draped hips, her dress tight in all the right places, not that there were any  wrong places.Her shoulders had freckles, which he didn’t need to know but now would never be able to forget. She turned to shut her door, and Kylo was given a full view of the back. That was  overkill . 

“Kylo?” She tapped his shoulder, forcing him to look up from the spot on the counter he’d been staring a hole into. 

“Mhm?” He turned, and lost his breath all over again. She was beautiful, he’d known that from the moment he met her. She was stunning when she woke up with half her bun in and a hand print on her face. The difference was that he’d never seen so much of her all at once. It was overwhelming, to see every one of her features emphasized. Her makeup made her lips even more enticing. Every color in her eyes was competing for center stage. 

“Are you sick or something?” Rey asked, pressing the back of her hand to his forehead.

“You’re pretty warm. Maybe you should just stay.”

He shook his head, taking her hand and giving it a soft squeeze.

“I’m fine, let’s go.” There was no way in hell she was going anywhere without him. 

“Thank you for renting a car by the way, I don’t think this would work on your bike.” 

She gestured to her outfit, and he laughed. 

“Yeah, unless you planned on riding side saddle.” 

She reached forward, slipping her hand into his jacket pocket.

“What are you-?” 

She jingled the keys in front of him, smiling slyly.

“I’m driving.” 

She grabbed her jacket from the coat rack and ran out of the door before he could protest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not happy with this but I haven’t updated in a while so here we are :/ also I’m sorry some of the words get mashed together for some reason, I try to fix as many as I can but copy and pasting seems to do that. I’m just really excited to get to the next chapter, i’m writing it the second I finish posting this.


End file.
